Mother’s Day or shall I say weekend….it began with my oldest child, Andrea, taking me to lunch at the place of my choice and then to a movie. Because she was to spend Sunday with her in-laws and her husband and boys, she planned our Mother’s Day in advance. On the way home we picked up Brandon’s (step) daughter, who has never been regarded by any of us as a “step,” and then we went to the nursery where I was instructed to choose a plant/flower that I would like to have. It was such a pleasant time together. I learned that Andrea posted on her Facebook page a photo of us when she was two years old….…oh how young I used to be. Thank you, Andrea, for the lovely day together and your gifts of love to me. You are all the daughter a mother could hope for.
I was presented a tile by my middle child, Vanessa. On the tile were words she had written that went straight to my heart. I love reading what I have meant to her and hopefully my other children because I have tried my very best to be the mother I wish I could have had. I am certain I have failed in areas but my love has always been at the forefront of even my failures. Thank you, Nessa, for loving me. Thank you for posting the collage you created on your Facebook page, too.
We spent the afternoon, my husband, daughter and two granddaughters, on the Harbor Walk and the most beautiful beaches in the world. Destin. We; my husband and I, our children and our grandchildren, were all raised in this area of Florida. We have truly spent a lifetime in and around the water. Destin is a beautiful place dubbed the Emerald Coast because of the bright greens and turquoise blue waters. Sunday was picture perfect weather and already the beaches are filling up with tourists. Oh how I miss you Brandon. You would have loved this beautiful day. And you would love the new marina boardwalk. There is so much you have not seen…or maybe you have?
Here is the father of my children…..he and Brandon were navigating our pontoon once upon a time…..
Six years ago marked my boycott of church sermons on Mother’s Day. Not because of my anger or disappointment in God. I have been struggling with that from time to time as anyone who has read my blog knows. But, the reason is it is so very painful and I do not want to cry through the whole service as I would most likely do. I don’t need to hear about the wonderful mothers in history who have been made icons by society as the “greatest mothers ever.” Because of many reasons but most importantly, the fact that my son’s death was ruled a suicide, I can no longer consider myself a wonderful mother. It just cannot be. I cannot shake the guilt that I missed something….that I caused something either by genes or failures….it is how my mind and heart have been affected. I am not the greatest mom. I don’t even come close even though I tried. Please pray for me that this will disappear.
Motherhood is a blessed gift. I never wanted to be anything else as much as I wanted to be a mom. It was easy to love a piece of my husband and me….three times. There were definitely growing pains along the way with each child. The teen years were the hardest. You truly feel the pain your children have to experience in this life. Of course, the joys are all organized in photo albums and videos…every football game, every band competition, every parade, every award ceremony, every graduation, EVERYTHING! Even the births of my grandchildren. Here are Natalie and Mariah as we lunched at the Mellow Mushroom in Destin. We missed having the rest of the family with us.
I miss you so very much, son. I reread your cards you have sent over the years…the last one frozen in time…your drawing of you and me. ……..…..…………There is a happy ending to this story but it has yet to be written.