Everyday is a struggle when you lose a child. The unbearable reality is indescribable. In the beginning, the pain is unrelenting, all consuming emotional torture. Every facet of life or what is left of it is affected. The desire for one’s own death is always lurking…a welcomed relief. Grief is an ugly solicitor at every turn.
Over time the constant sorrow subsides, instead becoming more like an unpredictable mood. It is a ‘shape shifter’ that never really leaves. And how could it? It is now a part of who we have become. Grief has no ransom. There are no deals. We can not bargain or plead. It just is and we have to endure.
I have been growing in my faith as a Christian almost all of my life. I have been through many trials, as most people have, but losing Brandon has sorely tested my faith. On some days I know I must be a big disappointment to God. I am a disappointment to myself, wishing I could come through this without the anger and the questions. Some days I feel strong and able. It is God’s arm that steadies me. It is nothing I did myself. God’s strength is made known through my weakness. I am happy to lean close and take hold…to surrender my sadness to Him.
I see everyday people, corrupt politicians, trashy celebs, self-righteous church people, all seemingly godless and self-centered…..they have their children and I am angry and jealous. Even writing that makes me ashamed. I am really no different than these….or am I? Still I am human and my nature is to be curious…to question, even to doubt. All of which makes me determined to know.
So many thoughts come my way. I think too deeply. My heart grieves deeply. On certain days, the waves overtake me. I have become a philosopher on life and death as if I have pioneered the effort. As if something I could say or write would make a difference.
For you Brandon, my sonshine. You are one third of the reason that I am called “Mom.”