“Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone…”

Everyday is a struggle when you lose a child. The unbearable reality is indescribable. In the beginning, the pain is unrelenting, all consuming emotional torture. Every facet of life or what is left of it is affected. The desire for one’s own death is always lurking…a welcomed relief. Grief is an ugly solicitor at every turn.

Over time the constant sorrow subsides, instead becoming more like an unpredictable mood. It is a ‘shape shifter’ that never really leaves. And how could it? It is now a part of who we have become. Grief has no ransom. There are no deals. We can not bargain or plead. It just is and we have to endure.

I have been growing in my faith as a Christian almost all of my life. I have been through many trials, as most people have, but losing Brandon has sorely tested my faith. On some days I know I must be a big disappointment to God. I am a disappointment to myself, wishing I could come through this without the anger and the questions. Some days I feel strong and able. It is God’s arm that steadies me. It is nothing I did myself. God’s strength is made known through my weakness. I am happy to lean close and take hold…to surrender my sadness to Him.

Still…I wander…..wonder.far to go

I see everyday people, corrupt politicians, trashy celebs, self-righteous church people, all seemingly godless and self-centered…..they have their children and I am angry and jealous. Even writing that makes me ashamed. I am really no different than these….or am I? Still I am human and my nature is to be curious…to question, even to doubt. All of which makes me determined to know.

So many thoughts come my way. I think too deeply. My heart grieves deeply. On certain days, the waves overtake me. I have become a philosopher on life and death as if I have pioneered the effort. As if something I could say or write would make a difference.

For you Brandon, my sonshine. You are one third of the reason that I am called “Mom.”

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10 thoughts on ““Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone…”

  1. “On some days I know I must be a big disappointment to God. I am a disappointment to myself, wishing I could come through this without the anger and the questions.”

    Never. Ever.

    Dale, I have no answers. I do know that reading your deep and eternal love in post after post could never ever be a disappointment to God who is Love
    ((hugs)) and more ((hugs))

    • Thank you, Paul. Your encouragement is always about a reminder of love. I always need to hear it! Forever. God bless you. Love and hugs to you dear brother in Christ.

  2. As a fellow Christian, I’ve felt that nothing tests our Faith as much as child bereavement. Truly, it is a “make it or break it” time of absolutely tortuous faith questioning. Soldiers all win some battles…yet experience defeat sometimes, too. “Enduring” the battle is what we’re all expected to do and is a battle itself!

    Being “patient” is really tough. We’re constantly bombarded in our society with “instant gratification”…Now I remind myself (per the passage) that Christ may return TODAY! And all suffering over for good! Hang in there! It’s not a matter of being a “good” Christian or not…as much as it is just enduring…”patiently” enduring…is icing on top of the cake…

    Much love to you, Brandon, and all your dearies,
    Donna

    • Donna, you are not only a fellow Christian but also a sister in sorrow. You have endured much longer than I . Just today I was thinking about Jesus returning soon. It has been so long already says the impatient me. Brandon bear hugs.

  3. “I think too deeply. My heart grieves deeply. On certain days, the waves overtake me. I have become a philosopher on life and death…” Your words have spoken to me, Dale. Thank you for putting into words how we must endure as we wait…..

  4. How accurate – “shapeshifter.” Sometimes I feel like I’m in a vise – can’t do anything about this, can’t figure out how to live. You are living, people say. Well, yes. I have a daughter. But it’s still hard to breathe.

    Love you, Dale – you are not alone in your sorrow.

    • Denise, The one thing I know for certain is God is with us and helps to loosen that terrible “vise” and replaces it with tightened fatherly hugs. There is a peace about it that I cannot conceive. Even in the midst of tears I feel it.

      I feel the love and empathy of your friendship. Hugs and special blessings as we confront Mothers Day with one less child.

  5. Dale, a loving and compassionate Papa wishes most to put His arms around you whenever you feel in doubt or in the need to be comforted. That is what He does best. Never forget you are His beloved daughter.

    Yes, He allows the sun to shine and the rain to pour down on the righteous and the unrighteous alike. The difference is you will be face to face with Him – and with Brandon – for eternity, sweet friend. And we all look forward to those fragrant meadows.

  6. So true, Susan. I think I need to share my grief so that I can be reminded by those who are my family in Christ, or as Paul refers to our blog church….of the things I already know in my heart. Grief can be blinding at times. Sending you much love!!

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