Today I will rant for a while so I can rid myself of these poisonous toxins that have been building. I went to sleep lying on a brick pillow filled with my uneasy thoughts. I had a session with God yesterday where I angrily spewed questions. Probably the cause of my restless state of mind. No answers. Too many things going on at once in my life.
Since Thanksgiving, out of no where, my left hand,wrist,thumb has been in chronic pain. Having tried everything conceivable,cold packs, hot packs, pain meds, massage (too painful really),I finally went to the chiropractor because I couldn’t get into see my family dr. yet. Xrays reveal advanced arthritis…no cartilage..just bone on bone. Now I know the reason but still have far to go in getting any resolve. I must jump through the hoops that insurance demands. I say all this because the physical pain affects my already injured mood in this seaon of the devil.
YES, I SCREAM!!!!! The DEVIL! My family is under attack, as if it hasn’t been constantly for a long while now. But along with the ‘boils and pustules’of life, the physical pain….it all seems like a chapter from Job’s life. I wish I had the stamina to endure and not complain…to not question. I wish I could focus on the better outcome, the one day soon, the end of the tunnel, ….so hard to do when you are still going through the dark passage.
I live an isolated life. I only allow my family in pretty much. Recently, I “divorced” a friend..so to speak, let’s just say that I thought she was my friend of 46 years. She betrayed a trust. That is all it really takes for me. I forgive her but she is untrustworthy and does not deserve to be my “BFF”.. I grieve at the tomb of our dead relationship. I do not take these things lightly. I was the best friend she ever had. It just wasn’t mutual.
The winds are blowing cold and sharp, bringing in with it the season of loss and life again. Loss of my son, never more to be seen or heard from again in this life. So I spend a lot of time anticipating the afterlife. Is there such a thing? Since life goes on then really death is just another word for ” transition” as my friend Donna says. She is the only survivor of a car accident that took the lives of her two babies and husband nearly thirty years ago right before Christmas. Her story is heartbreaking and inspirational. She writes a blog for Bereaved Moms.
Each family member is going through some tough times right now. I am powerless to repair. Lately, I am frustrated that I have very little to contribute…even my prayers feel flat and listless. I look at the world’s condition….the cruelty, the politics, the evil….the season of the devil, and I can be swept away by the depravity of it all. Then I think that I should be happy that my son is out of all of THIS and is alive and well, doing better than any one of us. But, I am still in this suit of flesh, waiting for better days, waiting for my real BFF Jesus…waiting for my own transition into real life. Waiting to kiss those dimples of my sweet boy. Meanwhile, troubles multiply and I am restless for rest. This rude season has taken so much but it is also a season of promise. We just have to wait out the pain.