season of the devil

Today I will rant for a while so I can rid myself of these poisonous toxins that have been building. I went to sleep lying on a brick pillow filled with my uneasy thoughts. I had a session with God yesterday where I angrily spewed questions. Probably the cause of my restless state of mind. No answers. Too many things going on at once in my life.

Since Thanksgiving, out of no where, my left hand,wrist,thumb has been in chronic pain. Having tried everything conceivable,cold packs, hot packs, pain meds, massage (too painful really),I finally went to the chiropractor because I couldn’t get into see my family dr. yet. Xrays reveal advanced arthritis…no cartilage..just bone on bone. Now I know the reason but still have far to go in getting any resolve. I must jump through the hoops that insurance demands. I say all this because the physical pain affects my already injured mood in this seaon of the devil.

YES, I SCREAM!!!!! The DEVIL! My family is under attack, as if it hasn’t been constantly for a long while now. But along with the ‘boils and pustules’of life, the physical pain….it all seems like a chapter from Job’s life. I wish I had the stamina to endure and not complain…to not question. I wish I could focus on the better outcome, the one day soon, the end of the tunnel, ….so hard to do when you are still going through the dark passage.

I live an isolated life. I only allow my family in pretty much. Recently, I “divorced” a friend..so to speak, let’s just say that I thought she was my friend of 46 years. She betrayed a trust. That is all it really takes for me. I forgive her but she is untrustworthy and does not deserve to be my “BFF”.. I grieve at the tomb of our dead relationship. I do not take these things lightly. I was the best friend she ever had. It just wasn’t mutual.

The winds are blowing cold and sharp, bringing in with it the season of loss and life again. Loss of my son, never more to be seen or heard from again in this life. So I spend a lot of time anticipating the afterlife. Is there such a thing? Since life goes on then really death is just another word for ” transition” as my friend Donna says. She is the only survivor of a car accident that took the lives of her two babies and husband nearly thirty years ago right before Christmas. Her story is heartbreaking and inspirational. She writes a blog for Bereaved Moms.

Each family member is going through some tough times right now. I am powerless to repair. Lately, I am frustrated that I have very little to contribute…even my prayers feel flat and listless. I look at the world’s condition….the cruelty, the politics, the evil….the season of the devil, and I can be swept away by the depravity of it all. Then I think that I should be happy that my son is out of all of THIS and is alive and well, doing better than any one of us. But, I am still in this suit of flesh, waiting for better days, waiting for my real BFF Jesus…waiting for my own transition into real life. Waiting to kiss those dimples of my sweet boy. Meanwhile, troubles multiply and I am restless for rest. This rude season has taken so much but it is also a season of promise. We just have to wait out the pain.

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19 thoughts on “season of the devil

  1. Dale, when I started getting into meditation six years ago, and began the practice with a body scan, it was the first time something really had an effect on my pain.

    http://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-practice/the-body-scan-practice

    The physical pain has been gradually reducing for six years now and there is a dramatic improvement. I’m still hoping it will reduce to zero. Because I still feel improvements each day (unless I fall behind because of too much computer use or other activity), I still keep the hope. If there is a time when the reduction stops, I’ll have to look at other methods, but in the meantime, I don’t have a reason to believe I can’t reduce it to zero.

    Of course I don’t know if your physical pain and mine have any similarities, but just thought I’d mention it. And there are other methods besides the link I provided above. Good luck.

  2. God can take your rants and your pain. I know it because He has taken mine. A friend once said to me when I was in a pit “Just breathe! Let yourself breathe! Be gentle with yourself! Don’t try to do more than that”. It is easier said than done I should think when you are in chronic pain. I hope you will find ease for it soon. I will pray for healing for you as you did for me. I am feeling a lot better by the way. And my Mum is on the mend.
    Much love, Julia x

  3. At the Healing Ministry where I work, we have a basket of prayers which is prayed through daily (it’s got several hundred prayer requests, so you wouldn’t be alone). With your permission, I’d be pleased to put you in our basket (I would not use your name) for help in your spiritual battle. If you would like this, just let me know. You’ve blessed many people through this blog, and it would be a privilege to pray for you.

  4. Hi Dale,

    Although thinking I was being vigilant-I somehow missed this new post. I’m not a fan of the way my operating system sorts my email into categories..my efforts to go back to the original way doesn’t seem to stick. Anyway, I’m sorry for such a long delay-particularly in light of the tone of your post…!

    I think the thing is…you’ve said you’re still going through the dark passage. Please don’t expect too much of yourself in terms of trying to be more upbeat…when you’re still in the thick of battle. I think it’s a strategy the enemy has. Knowing that we’re still shaky yet hopeful-he goes full bore ahead to slam any such hopes…throwing out all the punches. You’re a fighter! That’s good-but can backfire when it comes to the enemy, I find. Throwing my hands up in the air and saying to Jesus,”Help me!” has worked for me, far better than trying to battle an enemy who is much much stronger than I.

    Maybe if you remind yourself of what your basic beliefs are, and how God has been there for you, can help you to stand firm. That always helps me, and does seem to have a biblical connection toward doing so.

    I’m not sure if you’re a “lefty” but it isn’t that surprising to me that you…a talented and gifted writer have painful arthritis in your hand…a hand that can be used to write at length about your hope and trust in God when all is said and done. I have a touch of that pain and yes, it is very hard to cope with. We use our hands for everything.(I found that temporarily taping-using regular Netcare tape- helped my thumbs feel better.) Anything I take pleasure in or find personal enrichment through…is on the “watch list” for enemy subterfuge. It’s an all-out battle daily. I feel that when it is full-on…that God is allowing the enemy to engage with us- in order that we may find out where we may need “reinforcement(s)” ultimately to strengthen us…It is my belief that if God never put a modifying force to the constant attack, that such engulfment by the enemy (who is stronger than us, yet not stronger than God) would be 24-7. Horrifying to think of, really!

    Apparently the enemy has undermined one of your “support” people. It is quite a blow-with after effects that linger for quite awhile I’ve found, when similarly attacked. My whole history with this person is then subject to scrutiny and doubt. All taking away precious energy and a more constructive usage of “time”. I think, at our age, rocky hormones are not making our shaky stability any easier…!

    I try as much as possible to let go, even when someone I love is facing struggles. I remind myself that God loves that person even more than I and it’s HIS job to save. I can pray, which really does help, even though of course, we may not see the effects ourselves. We can only do so much. Go easy on yourself my friend!

    As always, you’re in my prayers!

    Much love to you and Brandon Bear,
    Donna

    • Thank you for speaking truth in these matters of heart and spirit. It is always good for Believers in Christ to weigh in with their own experience and wisdom. I value your words and those of other readers of my blog who realize my struggles with painful episodes in this life….as all of us have and will have. Much love, Dale

  5. No words of comfort. None will do. Only my love and prayers For you Dale. Reaching out to Jesus for you. Feeling your pain. Always thinking about those that have lost a child. Ditto! me to.

    Much Love Tom

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