“Soon and very soon…”

The saddest of anniversaries draws near; the death of my child, my son, my sweet boy. I have to wonder what was really going on at thîs time six years ago. I don’t even know the date of the last time I actually saw Brandon. I just know we saw him not long before “it happened.” He called us that morning, upbeat and excited, about his move to a new house. What happened between ten a.m. and that night?? All we do know was it was enough to make a young man die.

While death steals a life from our very presence, suicide takes away so much more. While other kinds of death happen, suicide is made to happen.
While there are a million ways to die, suicide is a ‘sin.’
While we all die from something, suicide is the one death the world does not forgive.
While we all question WHY someone had to die, the ‘whys’ of suicide leaves an indelible, unrelenting guilt that is perilous to one’s own sanity.

And so, I ponder so many questions still as we near year number six of life without our beautiful son, brother, father, friend, uncle, nephew. I ask God to keep me in His peaceful, loving arms today and every day. To remind me that Brandon is resting in His presence in the Light of His everlasting love. To press on toward the mark…to remain faithful, that manner of death is less important than manner of life because only God knows the matter of the heart.

What I do know is life goes on here and beyond. All of our questions are answered there, all mysteries are revealed by a loving Father who cares. I think of the old gospel hymn that says,”soon and very soon we are going to see the King…” While my son never saw his dreams come to fruition in this life, he has already looked into the eyes of Christ Jesus. I will think on this as the sad anniversary approaches. I will not think about what could have been but think about what is, and for a Christian mother the “what is” far outweighs any “what could have been.”
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10 thoughts on ““Soon and very soon…”

  1. always so well spoken and my heart hurts for us both as the awful anniversary draws near. Karina will be gone four years May 10 years ( Mothers day0. always dread it. But this May 11th, we have a little grandson due. I can’t help feeling that God is sending us little Wyatt as a sign of his love and to help some with the healing. And also coming at his particular time. I did pray for this baby as I did for his mother to be sent to us, We will be keeping this little guy a lot as my daughter is a critical care nurse, so he is a special gift. Just pray that he arrives well and healthy. We will never totally heal from the loss of our children as sometimes it seems like yesterday and still seems unreal,

  2. Thank you, Cheryl. Your Mother’s Day will be observed with both trepidation and joy…such conflicting emotions. I congratulate you on the upcoming birth of Wyatt (love the name…just as I love Karina’s name.) God is most definitely smiling upon your family. I wish all goes well for the impending birth 😇

  3. Beautifully written, Dale…I so agree with you. I think that suicide is the hardest for Moms to heal from, due to the unrelenting nature of the woulda coulda shoulda’s-something I found quite tortuous – even without the suicide component adding fuel to the fire.

    I think all our grieving, ultimately, is just going to seem like a very bad nightmare…when we arise in glory! Only one thing is worth dwelling on-and that is our God! But I don’t think any of us, can streamline through the awful near despair part of our journey, which precedes the peace of forward movement through a re-emergence of our Christian faith beliefs. Reunion is coming! I, like you, have no doubt that Brandon will be front and center! 🙂

    Keeping you in prayer support, and hoping Brandon Bear will give you a sign during this tough time…Donna

    • Your words touch the very core of my pain Donna. I will always treasure your friendship. You are one of the angels God sent to help me through the deepest of trenches. To have lost your entire family and be able to proclaim your faith in spite of the terrible pain is God’s work in you! You help so many. God bless you and continue to keep you strong. Brandon bear hugs always!

  4. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I just discovered your blog through Denise at Forever 21, and though I have some understanding of your loss, as my daughter died at 22 from cancer, I know we each walk this journey uniquely. Suicide has its own heartache which i can only imagine, but please know that you are in my heart and I walk by your side.

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