The saddest of anniversaries draws near; the death of my child, my son, my sweet boy. I have to wonder what was really going on at thîs time six years ago. I don’t even know the date of the last time I actually saw Brandon. I just know we saw him not long before “it happened.” He called us that morning, upbeat and excited, about his move to a new house. What happened between ten a.m. and that night?? All we do know was it was enough to make a young man die.
While death steals a life from our very presence, suicide takes away so much more. While other kinds of death happen, suicide is made to happen.
While there are a million ways to die, suicide is a ‘sin.’
While we all die from something, suicide is the one death the world does not forgive.
While we all question WHY someone had to die, the ‘whys’ of suicide leaves an indelible, unrelenting guilt that is perilous to one’s own sanity.
And so, I ponder so many questions still as we near year number six of life without our beautiful son, brother, father, friend, uncle, nephew. I ask God to keep me in His peaceful, loving arms today and every day. To remind me that Brandon is resting in His presence in the Light of His everlasting love. To press on toward the mark…to remain faithful, that manner of death is less important than manner of life because only God knows the matter of the heart.
What I do know is life goes on here and beyond. All of our questions are answered there, all mysteries are revealed by a loving Father who cares. I think of the old gospel hymn that says,”soon and very soon we are going to see the King…” While my son never saw his dreams come to fruition in this life, he has already looked into the eyes of Christ Jesus. I will think on this as the sad anniversary approaches. I will not think about what could have been but think about what is, and for a Christian mother the “what is” far outweighs any “what could have been.”