I have never really looked at time quite the way I do now since my son has died. I’m not sure I understand, what I have heard called “linear time” ~ http://www.manage-time.com/linear.html….or God’s time. It is all a mystery. I think we are all summoned to reflect when the calendar tells us that another year is over and a new one begins. Thank you, Julius Caesar.( http://invention.yukozimo.com/who-invented-the-calendar/ ) but I have been reflecting for nearly 6 years now. My whole perspective has changed in many ways about time. I have spent more time looking back and remembering and questioning than I have looked forward to what might be because of the obvious questioning over my loss to the horrors of suicide.
I dread what might be instead of anticipating with excitement and wonder. The only thing I know to be true is death…death of the body…death of some earthly joys that once were mine. I have begged God not to allow me to experience another death. Let my death be the one experienced, instead. And then I ask, “Who am I that I should have an affect over life and death?” Don’t we all have an appointed time no matter the cause? Isn’t that one of the things that God will not change even if we plead? We only think we have that power in prayer when in reality maybe it is a no-brainer. “Our cup” will not be taken. Our power comes from the mere fact that we are in communication with our Creator, who has the last say about when, where, how and whom.
I pray the Serenity Prayer that asks God “to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” The human experience of death cannot be changed. It can only be transformed into a forever that we have yet to understand.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
It’s not like I don’t have peace or happiness but there is one big apple pie slice of my life that is missing….a huge chunk of time. The clock time that should have been my son’s who is now experiencing God’s time….a timelessness that will one day be all of ours. Eternity has no hands or tick-tock or digital display. I am eager to experience all that is mine when my clock quits and I am part of endlessness that has no awareness of all the constraints put upon me by clocks, calendars, and earthly plans. Only God knows. I believe God’s plans for our future is near…in His time.
It’s not enough that there are 3 significant holidays in the last quarter of the calendar year but my birthday is the 28th…before the end of the old year. It adds to my reflection quite a bit. My last birthday when we were a complete family was December 28, 2008. Birth and death….and yes …the dash between. Some dashes are longer than others. It is just the way this finite life is.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13 New International Version (NIV)
Drawing by Brandon Heath…..thank you, Son. Your talents were many.