What I Have Decided…..

Death gives us new perspectives on many things especially our faith, people, our world around us, and life in general. One thing I have learned to do is be bolder about my beliefs. I believe I owe it to myself, to my son, but more importantly to God. At first grief, I was super sensitive to everything, music, people, words, church, etc…the list is long. I wanted to hide, to insulate myself from all and every aspect of life. Some days I still feel that way. I retreat into my own room…my space, wherever that is on any given day. Mostly my mind.

Some things I have decided to do since death has ruled my life:

Ask God for wisdom frequently. (Like are the things on my list the right things to do?)

‘Clean the closet’ of friends who aren’t.

‘Clean the closet’ of family who abandon and reject. Or did they already clean me from their closet? Silly me.

Speak up loudly about causes that are near to my heart.

Ignore the haters and fakers….”shake it off.” (Taylor Swift)

Accept that I won’t have all the answers now.

Ignore those religious people who think they have all the answers. They are the worst ones about judging how my son died. I have no use for them. I doubt Jesus does either. Religious people are not always Christians. My family and I are Christians.

NEVER CALL to speak to anyone who is aptly engaged in all things technological because very possibly they are not listening to me but are instead on their Ipads, pcs, etc…completely engaged in a more appealing task than listening to me. I have several relatives and friends who do this. SO I won’t be calling them ever again. Emails only. *You know they are doing this when there is an awkward silence to something you just poured your heart out about and then they clamor to sound interested. By the way, I have learned to play mindless mahjong while listening to my mother and her husband. I know.

If I don’t feel like being anywhere then I just will not go.

Pray for my grieving, online-friends who have lost a child.

Always be empathetic to those who have mental illnesses. My heart aches.

My list is short compared to the list of grievances I had at first grief. I have grown to be better at handling the situation. I have learned how to protect myself. I am not apologetic.

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10 thoughts on “What I Have Decided…..

  1. Ach, people who worship their devices! I hear what you are saying, lensgirl. Even though I’m on my PC.

    I’m very guilty of what you said, I’m ashamed to say. Sometimes when I’m on the phone with telemarketers, I play the piano and pretend to listen to them. They feel hurt that I’m playing the piano and get a sense I’m ignoring them. I assure them I care about their feelings and ask if I can call their relatives to sell them Amway products.

    You are awesome!

    • Okay..Andy, it is! Yes, I agree with you that strangely these things we rely on so heavily can invoke some kind of addiction in our brains. I see withdrawal labs and interventions in the future 😉 One Christmas I announced to my family that they would have to leave all of their devices at the door. That didn’t go over so well. I don’t remember that it went at all. I feel like we are a society of “my best friend is my phone” and all the rest of you don’t matter. I feel like the grandma of yesteryear when the Wright brothers took their first flight. It was a newfangled thing that interfered with the way things were and would never be the same again. We are at the Dawn of a New Age…again. Sigh…

      Have a nice day, Andy. I am on my to church this morning. Take care and God bless.

      Dale

      • Dale, have a nice time at church. 🙂

        This post is somewhat related to this discussion:
        Parents who don’t hover are the ones in danger, not their kids

        On the bright side, last night here we all had a pleasant dinner together and then watched Mrs. Doubtfire. Even though watching movies can sometimes be an “anti-social” activity, I find it’s nice to laugh with other people and share the experience. Perhaps there’s even some positive energy that’s being shared. 🙂

        Have a nice day, Dale. May God bless you, your family, and others who you love 🙂

  2. You are making me laugh out loud today, Andrew!! I have this neat thing provided for by our phone company that deters telemarketers…it is a program that tells them that we do not accept telemarketing calls and if you are not a telemarketer then press #1. It is extremely wonderful 🙂 I love it. No more telemarketers.

    I hate to go anywhere and see more people than not on their hand devices. They look so robotic and inhuman. I absolutely do not have one and don’t want one. I use my husband’s very fundamental cell phone on the road and only if I need to. No useless conversations for me while I am out and about. I rather enjoy the company of others and I hate what the world is becoming. You could call me old. 😉

    Thank you, for that awesomeness remark…you are awesome, too, Andrew and don’t you forget that!!

    • 🙂 Okay, I won’t forget that we are both awesome. And you can call me Andy.

      We’ve got some telemarketing blocking thing too. We switched to Charter for phone and Internet two months ago. But we get calls from Charter sales at least once a day that don’t get blocked. Other than our phone company, we usually don’t get calls from pushy sales people with poor customer service skills.

      I got my first cell phone a year ago. I got my first Kindle a month ago. The cell phone is pretty basic… voice and texting, no pictures and no Internet. I got it for when I go out because it’s handy when I’m out by myself and using the public bus system.

      I used to be quite a “techie” and can repair and upgrade computers (since 1991), but this whole thing where people isolate themselves with technology from people who truly matter is getting out-of-hand. I’ve been spending more time on the PC lately, even though the more I use the computer, the more scattered I get, and also increases my anxiety level. Then I actually get cravings, addiction, and have withdrawal-type symptoms. The only way to break it is to wean myself off. After three days I’m back to myself again. After that, if I spend 30 min a day or so on the computer I’m fine, and all those things I just had to write about have mysteriously vanished from my brain. All those blogs I just had to read suddenly aren’t as important and can wait.

      Unfortunately when it seems like everyone most important to me (family) has their devices and Netflix, I’ve got nowhere to go but my computer. I’m sure this happens to a lot of people though so I know I’m not alone.

      So no, I don’t think you’re old, I think you’re wise, realistic, and awesome. I hope I didn’t “hijack” your post. Etiquette, Netiquette, and relationships still confuse me, but I’m always open to being corrected.

  3. Great blog entry! I too, have changed my viewpoints on issues related to physical death and grieving, over the years. In summary, they mostly encompass…

    I gave my family freedom; (to be physically away from me for my lifetime); I gave myself freedom (from almost all that was earlier, heart jarring; finally I gave others freedom-to behave wrongly, if their hearts were determined to be right toward me. And became much more empathetic overall, toward other people’s pain.

    All of this is interwoven with my just, plain getting older and hopefully wiser. So it is kind of difficult to say which took place first.

    So many things that were so important to me back then (30 years ago almost) just don’t amount to a hill of beans in importance to me, now. (Who cares what age God says is best when I meet my baby and toddler?)

    One thing has never changed…I love them, I miss them…and I hold onto my reason to keep on going-which is the assurance of God’s mercy and generosity-which culminates with our upcoming Reunion. We have so very much to anticipate!

    Love to you and Brandon Bear,
    Donna

    • Thank you, Donna. You have hit on something that always makes me stop and think…like the age we are taken to Heaven. Some of us are barely here and then we’re gone, some are taken while we are in our “prime” so to speak…and then some of us get to live a long life and go through all the phases and experiences that hopefully, make us wise. Your children were taken in their innocence, while Brandon was taken right before he turned 30 and had so much to learn and know yet, he was confused and frustrated about his career choice and also his marriage. Which I truly believe he wanted it to work out.

      I say all this to say…it is not so much about how much we learn to increase our faith but that we have faith at all.

      We will be reunited because of God’s mercies and grace through Jesus Christ…and that is it. We can be a fancy, schmancy theologian, well versed in scripture, or we can just say, “I come” in my raw sinful self to accept Jesus and all He has done to forgive my sin. Either way, we are saved to be rejoined with our loved ones in Christ. AMEN!

  4. Dale, I think that maturity also comes into play where some of these types of decisions are concerned, As we “age”, we learn what and who to hang on to and what or whom to let go of; learning to say “NO” at the proper time; speak our mind when our heart and mind tell us to; and genuinely and sincerely PRAYING for our friends in need rather than causally saying we will without giving it further thought. Your list is an indication of the wisdom you have acquired – whether it be growth from the experience of losing Brandon – or your graceful growth as a woman of God. I love you! Terri

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