While I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital nearly all of yesterday, as my middle child was in surgery, I could not escape the constant television reports on Robin Williams death. I felt like running and screaming as people all around me had something to say to those around them about it. My ears picked up on every word like a radar. Things like “I wouldn’t want to kill myself cause I wanna go to Heaven.”….or, “He had it all and look what that gets you…” etc….terrible condemnations from pure ignorance. It put my already exhausted mind into a feeding frenzy of these mindless sharks. I had to get up and go to the bathroom to hide my tears. I felt like the words the waiting room people spoke were indictments against my very own son. How dare they?
I go to bed at night with the radio playing talk radio because I still cannot sleep very well. It is a white noise, so to speak, that gives my mind some rest…..sometimes. Those who called into the nightly program were also very disturbing….again, very judgmental people. I had to turn the station so as not to be bombarded with something to which I could not respond. My heart rate going berserk…my mind in terrible sadness….my blood pressure zooming upward. I am suffering in this for the rest of my days and there is no end because my son is not here with me, because of how he died, because the world is ugly, because there will always be celebrities who die this way, too, and here we go again……I can understand wanting to unplug.
It’s hard when someone dies by suicide. And when it’s a celebrity it hurts because of the hard and often times hateful things that are said. “You can’t rest in peace if you killed yourself.” “Suicide is the most cowardly, selfish thing anyone could do.” And so on. So many of us are suddenly so self righteous and in a position to judge others motives and state where they are eternally. How did we get that power, that knowledge?
For me personally it’s yet another aspect of learning to live with my sons suicide. The scab ripping off from the little bit of “healing” as the comments and social media frenzy ensues.
It’s hard because I want to defend my son and others who make this dreadful choice.
It’s hard because it’s not fair for us to judge motives or where someone will spend eternity.
Do we believe our sins…
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