“PRAY SOMETHING HAPPENS” are words my son scrawled on the back of a letter to me. It reminds me of all the things that never did happen…that he had hoped would. When I see young people, especially young men who are following their dreams..it makes me think of Brandon. He had such high hopes about everything he ever did. He made no secret about how he wanted to be “somebody.” He wanted to make a name for himself…leave a legacy…his footprint on this planet earth. I thought he was very courageous and talented. While y sadness causes me to focus only on those things that did not happen for Brandon…there were so many things that did. That is how Satan plays into my grief. You know where you can go, Satan!!! I don’t want to get into a dialogue with the Devil but sometimes I think maybe I should have been telling him where to go instead of blaming God for allowing all that has happened. I am torn while being held together by the shackles of grief…if that makes sense. What makes sense anymore?
Today has been a very rough day…lots of tears…lots of thinking…lots of the strong desire to be with him and see him…touch, listen….share. My eyes feel like lead weights…iron orbs that sting. I am a sight, I’m sure. I have had some strong words for God today. I wonder how long will I be angry at Him. I wonder how I can dare try to comfort other grieving moms while I am still not sure I can survive this grief myself. I know the right things to say but my feelings don’t match my words. I scare myself when I realize what I have said in my anger and grief to God. Although, He did not intercept what was going to happen to my son…to our family….He has let me know that all is well and Brandon is very well. But I have let God know that I AM NOT!!
Here are words that echo in my heart chambers and cause pain and delight….so much my son had yet to do. Just a note Brandon left me one afternoon when he was in high school. He made it as a “star” in Heaven…smiling brightly among the constellations….in the Light and Love of our Father.