Broken

While I sit here on many days, broken ….my heart irreparably in two, my thoughts go to my son whose own brokenness brought him to a place of no return. I think of how sad, how angry, how misunderstood, ashamed, rejected….the emotions that overwhelmed him over time and in one dark impulse it was all gone. I think of his character….all his sensitivities hidden beneath a tough exterior…one that he worked so very hard on…it was his safety net. It worked for a while. He was our “He-Man”…a cartoon character whose name we used as a pet name, among many, for our strong son.

After a young life filled with rejections from a world we could not protect him from…especially the inevitable romances, it only took his wife’s final words to deconstruct all that he was. And while it would appear that this was the only reason for his demise in those final days…it was a culmination of things on top of a depression that he was prone to having.. He had lost his job and been separated from his wife, in the months preceding his suicide, as well as, lost an “amateur” boxing bout, and he had been the first responder to two suicides in the very first job that same year he had as an LPN at the Okaloosa Correctional Institute. Our last conversation he expressed that he thought that maybe he had made the wrong career choice but he sounded hopeful as he and his wife would be moving back in together…so he thought.

A year of LOSSES! I never wanted that for my sweet dear boy. I can get very angry at God as I list all these things……I have questions for You, God. One day….

This song reminds me of my son……….I love you my He-Man. I AM BROKEN, son….just as you were.Brandon and his mom dancing 1-20-01

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3 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Dale, this grief, this burden I can never understand that you so deeply carry presses on my heart today.

    I cannot give you platitudes of comfort; only the assurance, because I know just as deeply Who God is, that Brandon is already cradled in His arms.

    I do not know why this suffering was laid upon your family. I continue to pray for you, sweet and precious friend. Keep giving Him your anger. He can hold your anger and your weeping in His huge embrace.

    All my love,

    Susan

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