There have been so very many changes in our lives and in this world since you left us that day so long ago…yet just yesterday. I wonder if God allows you glimpses of here. But, then again, why would you want to know? You are in a place of unchanging beauty and filled with the Light of Love your mind could not conceive when you breathed in your old life. How can I begin to tell you how my life has changed without bringing you tears? There are no tears in Heaven. God promised to wipe them all away.
Oh how I envy you but know that you are at ease and joyful in the presence of our loving Father who cares and loves us forever. I know that I will be there one day soon enough and this old world will be forgotten with all its troubles and sorrow. The oceans that hold my tears and the tears of others will dry up and there will be no divisions or islands to separate the people of this life. We can only imagine of the goodness that will be forever. No sadness….can that be?
I hear songs on the radio and want so badly to share with you the ones I like…some of them I just know you would love. I know you distanced yourself from what you called mainstream music but you loved some of it. You would like the song, “Latch” by Sam Smith/Disclosure…just listen…….while listening to the words I wish with all my heart that you could have known loyal and true love here with your wife…the kind that makes you sing joyfully…like you must be doing now but for different reasons. Of course, I would never want you to be back here disappointed and sad beyond understanding from rejection.
You would not even recognize the changes in our community …the roads being made bigger and improved on the way to the beaches and FWB. The growth here is booming. C’view is much the same except we are getting a Panera Bread on the south end of town…again, surprise. Isn’t everything put there near the interstate? I wonder if you know that Natalie and M. moved back to town. Did you know that your niece and nephews are so much bigger now? All handsome and beautiful. Did you know that your dad and I moved to L.H.? We are both dealing with old bones and muscles now…just aging issues. We don’t do “aging” well. Did you know that Brandon W. has three kids now? I hear from him on special days or out of the blue. He is thoughtful and kind and sent me a video of the two of you when you were in high school..dancing around to this song by DC Talk…doing the air guitar thing. Did you know that Vanessa had her 20th class reunion this weekend? Did you know that Andrea is working in FWB? I guess you probably know that the guy named Mark who was the owner of the gym you used to belong to died this past week at the age of 36 yrs. of heart failure. One of my friends told me he was a steroid user and seller…that he was at your memorial. I do not know him. There are many people who have left this earth the last five years. Not that you were a fan, except when you were little. but Michael Jackson died three months after you did. I smile when I see the picture of when you were just 4 years old, trying to do the moon walk. Phillip Seymour Hoffman died not long ago, Brandon. That would have made you sad had you been here. You liked his movies. I can barely watch anything with him in it because it makes me so sad.
This world …our country, has only gotten worse. I cannot watch the news anymore. America is not the country that I grew up in…it was unraveling when you left. I would suppose the signs are aligning for the end one of these days. Freedom will one day be just a memory, as government gets bigger and more demanding. Corruption abounds and liars rule. Christianity is under persecution more than ever…God is being expelled on every front. You would have been very angry at these changes as we have been. The more I learn about the things to come, the more I know there is nothing I can do to change them. My prayer is that I can accept and follow through with a strong faith.
One thing that remains steadfast is my love for Jesus, my family…and for you, my “buddy boy”…my pet name when calling you when you were little…and there was “mister man”….so many little pet names I had for each of you. Some things will never change.
I have thought a lot about change lately. Loss does that to a person… a mom. I don’t like it. I wish sometimes for the years when you all were little and I had control and knew that you were protected. Even then I knew these days were coming….but never that you might be gone…that you would die by suicide…that life for you was unbearable. Everyday I dread the next change because I see it now in a new light. I see change as being final as in death…but I also know, as a Christian, that death has been defeated by Jesus. I know that we will be together forever. I have to remind myself of these things I believe.
The world you left behind is nothing like Heaven/Paradise….I can be contented for this moment to know that you are really, really safe.