On Friday, March 13, 2009 was the memorial service for my son, Brandon, exactly a week from his passing. My family was in shock over his death and the way he died. I was numb but felt everything…all emotions seemed like a rabid experience taking over my sanity. I remember the very first dream I had although sleep was elusive and induced by medications. I wanted so much to fall asleep and never wake up again in this life. I wanted to be with my son who was “missing.” My dream was not a comforting one. In it I was holding my grown adult son in my lap like you would a baby. I cuddled him and kept trying to pull his hands down from his face…asking him, “Why, Brandon?” He was ashamed, it seemed. There were no words…just my concern. He was not gone in my dream but was right there in my lap…being held like the baby boy I used to know only he had closely cut blonde hair and a white t–shirt on. It was a disturbing dream with no answers.
The memorial is just a blip in my memory. I was medicated and just “there.” I do remember some of those in attendance, some of the eulogy…and that I had written a prayer for my daughter to read for my husband and me. I remembered only 3 songs from the cd that we had playing over the speakers because they were the ones I had chosen. I don’t remember how we came up with the rest of the songs. I do remember feeling the eyes on my back…the words that surely must have been whispered…the expectations of a curious audience….I wanted the people there but again I did not…if that makes sense. In my thinking, they had no right to think the worst of my son…the worst of my family, they had no idea of the truth….but who did? I wanted songs that were not only about salvation and heaven but about the sadness my son must have been feeling. THAT was my TRUTH!! SADNESS and death.
As a Christian, I believe in everlasting life because Christ defeated the grave upon His resurrection. I believe therefore I have hope. Why would you NOT want hope? What does anything or anybody else offer? God offers us LIFE with Him forever!! That is MY real estate…HEAVEN….it is my son’s, as well. BUT…and that is a gentle conjunction, as I was a distraught mother under fire in the midst of an evil that takes one down, down, down…I was angry at God. PERIOD. My song choices were from the depths of that sorrow. Two songs were about (Calling All Angels and Answers, which seemed to be written about a suicide) mankind not having the answers to our most profound questions.
I have a friend who is mainly an online acquaintance whose son passed away 2 mos. before Brandon. We ‘met’ at a site for bereaved mothers. Since that time we have spoken to one another by phone at least once a week. My friend shared with me her anger at God…that she did not believe anymore..that God was mean and not fair…etc…her faith, shattered. I will be meeting her for the first time in the near future. Last night I was making her a cd of inspiring songs about our losses. our God, our time of doubt and anger, our reconciliation and faith in general. I remembered having the cd from Brandon’s memorial in a drawer where it had been since our move. I have never listened to it since that March 13th, 2009. I did not know the songs on it then, but I thought that there must be something of value that I could use for my friend’s cd. I began to listen to it through my tears.
The second song that played….was “It Is Well With My Soul!!” Those who know my history with that song know that it is Brandon speaking to me through God..or God speaking to me through Brandon…..who has allowed me to hear that song at the most appropriate times…God’s time. I was overjoyed and woke my husband from a sound sleep to tell him of my discovery!! I thought I would post the two songs that show the huge contrast in my feelings…one is utter sadness and must be exactly how my son felt…the other my assurance of God’s love and that it is well!! Not only with my soul…but my son’s.
I hope all mothers who have lost a child and see where I have been and how far I have come with God’s help can know the peace only God can provide.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4