In One Sickening Second

It will be the first of March in another hour. It is Friday night and all I can think of in this silent lonely room is on the sixth of March my son died. A sweet gift from God who must have felt the world crashing in on him…in one sickening second he was gone and all the sorrows he must have bore deep inside were left behind to multiply like a cancer in my own heart and mind.

As much as I think I know…there is so much I don’t know. I have collected on this blog the articles of so many scientific researches about the suicidal brain, articles concerning the theology of the matter, personal testimonies of those who have experienced the dark dance of depression, and now I am engulfed in a cloud of grief borne depression. My spirit is drowning in the deep end of the pool. This must be how my baby boy felt. No air, no air, no air…..

I know I have blogged way too much today but I don’t care. This is what the suffering writer does. Aren’t writers supposed to write about what they know? I know loss. I will be taking a break after the sixth. I won’t blog as much unless there is a need or there is something newsworthy.

Yesterday I delivered the flower arrangement that I made for the altar at the church for this Sunday. I do it every year in memory of Brandon. To me it is like lighting a candle like some people do to remember their loved ones. I make a small flower arrangement to hang on the wall where his niche is at the cemetery. On Thursday, the sixth, I will light a candle and put it by his picture and put the album I made of his life on the dining room table. I have never known anyone in my life who has lost a child. I am the first in our family. I am learning on my own what to do…how to do it. 

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12 thoughts on “In One Sickening Second

  1. Dale, I will be praying for you this week; included my prayers will be for your heart to continue blogging. With each word you write here, you bless one more person, you light the path of one more heart. I pray that this journey makes way a path for transformation, of healing, of love.

    • I appreciate your prayers and encouragement. There is most definitely transformation..how can one not be changed from tragedy? Only with God’s help am I able to continue.

    • Dale, I couldn’t have expressed my thoughts on this writing any better than Susan. You have a gift of expressing your feelings in such a beautiful way that enlightens those of us that have not shared your experience and surely helps to heal the heart of those who have. I am thinking of you in the upcoming challenging week. I love you…. Terri

      • I love you, too, dear friend. I can feel the shield of peace from all my friends who have shown me love by keeping me in their hearts and prayers. I am blessed. xoxo, dale

  2. March is a hard month for me too. On the 3rd I tried to commit suicide many years ago. On the 6th I had the breakdown that ruined my life as I knew it. Anniversaries are very hard for me, as they are for you. It’s good to remember them tho. Keeping those we love in our hearts is the best way to remember them. My thoughts are with you now.
    peace,
    Steve

  3. Hey Dale…I’m way over here, but my heart’s where you are. You caught it – “one sickening second.” How can this be? But it is. So let us walk this way together since walk it we must.

    Thinking of you in this dark time…thinking of you.

  4. Thinking of you and Brandon this week….I know this is awful for you. I wish I had magic powers to bring back all of our children.

    • I so wish my son was back with me but as time goes on I realize he is much happier where he is…I envision Jesus broadly smiling and showing our sons what real joy and peace is all about…as the song says, “What a friend we have in Jesus….” xo dale

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