What still small voice will tell me the truth? My voice today is more or less a rant…somewhat off-the-wall but also somehow a confluence of thoughts. Reader beware.
Since the Olympics began, I have heard numerous failure and success stories of the athletes who have conditioned and competed their entire young lives in hopes of winning the gold. I have heard the stories of how their parents sacrificed and supported their dreams and desires to become an Olympic star. And all I can think about is all that could have been for my son who had dreams yet to fulfill. I am jealous of these people who get to live and thrive even if they do fail or lose…they are not dead.
I wonder why some people get to be while some people are cut short in their prime. I don’t want to hear that it was my son’s own choosing to die because that just is not the case. Only ignorant fools would believe what has traditionally been misunderstood. That is why I try to incorporate articles about new findings from credible research and studies on the suicidal brain within this blog. TO INFORM! I know I sound like I am in denial to some. If anything, I have accepted the box that was x’d on the death certificate and have delved into finding reasons WHY so I can have a half-way liveable life. It can be an even more complicated matter if I thought (and sometimes do) that my son’s death was murder because there is no one who will listen to me/us as has been proven by the 2009 Okaloosa Sheriff’s Dept.. We, of no political power or monetary persuasion. We were easily dismissed as the distraught parents who could not come to grips with the way our son died. They (coroner/investigator) got to check off the box and go out for a doughnut. I have prayed that God’s justice will prevail and that those responsible for my son’s death (call it “driven to suicide” by alienation of affection or someone pulled the trigger, and an inefficient investigation) will suffer in this lifetime. I, on the other hand, have to come to some resolution or I will suffer the same. My son always prayed for his enemies in his prayer journal. I find it very hard to do. I wish I could be like him. Strange…I thought that maybe I had something to do with his Christian upbringing and taught him to pray for his enemies….I just don’t know anymore. There is too much irony in life.
And so I search around WordPress blogs under the tags that include suicide and find such terrible people posting about things they have no knowledge of…just speculation and old wives tales ..the stupidity of folks who dare to criticize and judge someone who was so distraught and diseased of mind and emotion that they would take their own life. I have my own criticism of the critics.
So…back to Denzel Washington…the rant continues…..He was a guest on a morning show. I admire his work and find him to be one of the best actors around. My tears scolded my dry eyes as he shared his life of success and how all of his children were in the same business as himself and his wife. He was the proud papa. I felt the rage and sadness merge in my heart as I thought…WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED? WHY GOD WHY? WHY MY SON? HE WANTED TO DO ALL THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!! Brandon loved acting, writing, and dialog…he wanted to be a producer and screenwriter. To me, he was Don Quixote battling windmills sometimes, but I never said anything to discourage him except to say that he would have to move away to get into that kind of business, probably….that there would be many obstacles….perhaps even windmills.
Today is not a good day. I have been under the cold gray clouds that define these days leading up to our sad anniversary. I am so sorry Brandon for not helping you fulfill those dreams you shared with me so enthusiastically. Now that you are gone, I have to focus on the goals you did achieve and we are so very proud of that. We told you so. We encouraged you in all those things we knew were possible but I personally feel now that I didn’t do enough to help you become what you dreamed of doing. I did not pick up one spear to help you slay the windmill…..I am ashamed.
No one knows but God the answers I seek. All I do know is that I am ready for this merry-go-round to stop…this roller coaster ride…and all those stupid metaphors of fun we apply to desperation….to quit. I want the headlines for tomorrow’s world news to be: “FACT..Researchers have revealed that suicide is a result of disease!” That it is not an article hidden as if it was not important. There are too many suicides…just like there is too much cancer…to withhold any answers that could help heal those of us in its wake and possibly prevent some suicides.