notes from a mom

I write in my prayer journal every evening before I turn in for the night. My prayers and my words that I so desperately wish Brandon could hear are written in a little book that no one quite possibly will ever read until I die. Most nights I am tearfully wondering why this all had to be, why God allowed it, why, why, why, why? Some nights I am praising God for letting me be the mother of Brandon Heath, the best son in the world and some nights I am angry with God for this terrible sadness my son must have felt for no-telling how long in his life. Most nights I just want it to all be over.

As a Christian, I am defined by my faith. I have not been the perfect person, by no means…in fact, to be a Christian means you realize this. A Christian has a conviction to do the right thing but when the wrong thing is done….a Christian is forgiven. We are forgiven by all that Christ has done for us on the cross. It is not a complicated issue like the theologies and vast denominations would have the world believe. I am of a simple faith and believe it even more strongly now that my son was taken by suicide.

God’s grace is sufficient for me and thee. I went on the hunt for answers and received grace in my quest. I know that grace was abundantly there for my son, as well. He was a believer and in his prayer journals, that I now have in my possession, I know his struggles from early on with depression and a desire to “destroy” himself. But he made it clear that “I do not want to die.”  It was always in the middle of his relationships with girls. He was an affectionate young man who did not receive the love he so freely gave.  I only wish our love for Brandon could have taken the place of that outside love he craved. I know that it is only natural that we desire to be loved, and not in that natural maternal kind but rather, the kind that is boy loves girl…Romeo and Juliette, etc….

My grief has seen all the expected stages, thus far….only one I have not experienced and that is anger at my son for taking his own life. I do not believe he was in his right mind so therefore I do not blame him for something that was out of his control and was not a choice. I hope the world will become educated in this matter. People who die by suicide are the downtrodden and depressed who suffer from mental illness. How can we judge them? Do we judge people who die by cancer, heart ailments, accidents? We are a fallen world and we all die. I just hope that there will be more empathy for people who die by suicide and understand that when you hear “everything was going so good for him,” ….”he had it all,”…..”how could she just leave her kids like that?”…..”what a selfish thing to do”….”it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”…..Well, I beg to differ. It was never a temporary problem for people who have died this way but rather a way of life…a desperately sad life brought on by things we are only beginning to understand by way of scientific research. My plea is for the world to have mercy because, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

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6 thoughts on “notes from a mom

  1. Through blogs like yours, one by one, people will begin to understand. People will, one by one, put down the closed fist of judgement. People will, one by one, hold out an open hand and offer grace and mercy.

    Bless you for loving Brandon enough to carry his love forward, for allowing your faith to let God’s light and love shine through you so others may not have to suffer as greatly.

    • Thank you, Susan. My reason for this blog is to educate and reveal the many facets of mental illness that can cause suicide. I hope offering my own personal experience will be an added revelation.

  2. I am so sad for you. I am sad for the pain that Brandon lived with. The terrible emotional journey he must of been on.

    I lost my daughter on the 18th of January this year after being dreadfully ill for 11 years. No matter how your child dies there is anger, guilt, reproach. I prayed for my child to die. Does that make me less of a mother?

    Your child lived with pain (More than likely caused by a chemical imbalance) that was intolerable. Are we bad mothers? No. We did our best. Our destiny and journey are predetermined – even before birth. I wish I could reach out and hug you.

  3. You have hugged me with your thoughtful words and also sharing with me the pain both you and your daughter suffered. There is no greater pain than losing a child. Your child was blessed to have a mother who knew that letting go would end her suffering…there is no greater love than that. God bless you. I am sending my love and hugs for you today, hoping peace is yours.

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