Had it not been for the passing of my son I would never have known the miracles that have been mine. Like all tragedy and trials, God works to the good in everything according to His purpose. I have written about all the times that I have been comforted by the song, “It Is Well…” and how it affects me. The song has been given to me as a gift usually on the heels of a very bad emotional week of missing my precious son. This past week has been no different. Again, at the communion rail the song played in God’s perfect time as I received the “blood and the body” of Christ. My heart was pounding like a bass drum. I had anticipated the moment as I waited on God.
I am thankful for the “hugs” I receive from our Lord. I have shared this experience…this miracle with as many who will listen, only because I am in awe that God DOES speak to each of us if we will only be vigilant and wait on the Lord. His presence is overwhelming. He does “hug” us.
In telling of my miracle song from God, I have likened my experience to St. Bernadette of Lourdes. She was experiencing a miracle…a vision…her “hug” from God. People were skeptical until they saw the results of what God had told her through the vision… a well spring up from dry land…now a holy site for those seeking healing. I don’t know that any were skeptical in my case. If the ones I told were skeptical they never told me. I did hear the outpouring of disbelief by those who have witnessed it first hand. I say, “disbelief” perhaps the word would be “wonder.” I am in awe, myself, even though I have had repeated hugs from God. I hope to never lose that wonder of expectation and fulfillment. Like St. Bernadette, I am blessed and comforted by the huge hug from my heavenly Father.
When I was a young girl, I was quite smitten by the story of the Jennifer Jones portrayal of Bernadette in the movie, “The Song of Bernadette.” Her influence made me want to be holy and “chosen.” Now, in saying this, I was not Catholic nor am I now. In fact, I wanted to be a nun after seeing the movie. I thought it was a career choice not a calling. I remember my father’s chuckle when I announced I would be joining the convent when old enough. I remember loving the character of Bernadette, the child who was humbled by all of her life’s experiences even unto her death. She was holy with an aura around her like a halo. I, too, wanted to be holy and revered as one who had been called.
From my experience in grief and loss of my son, I have been humbled by an agony that is a cancer of sorts. It is now in remission for the most part…but on some days returns with a sickening presence. It steals my days and my nights and I am rendered an emotional wreck. My tears govern my existence. Yet, like a medicine pumped into the vein…once again, my spirit is infused with the presence of the Holy Spirit and I am back on the path of recovery. It is the peace that bathes me from within, a holy peace that only God can give.
My faith walk has been over a number of years in and out of my supposed “aura.” I have danced in the darkness of sin more times than I can count. I have been in the flesh more than I have been in the spirit. I am “chief of sinners.” Holy would not be a term that I would have used to describe myself had I not learned what actually being holy is. By the mere renewal of birth…being born again and accepting Christ as my savior, I am holy. The Holy Spirit dwells in me and I must remember to call upon the spirit to help keep my aura glowing. It is the only way that I, too, can have that “aura” of holiness…to be holy by forgiveness because I am the King’s daughter. I am a child of God…a friend of Jesus. I have inherited a Kingdom.
While I am in the fever of grief, going in and out of my fleshly delusions, even then I am the “holy” person I set out to be “for in my weakness I am strong.” I can look forward to the peace and miracles like St. Bernadette did because I am a saint to be counted in that number on that day!
My son was the kind of person who was prayerful and faithful. Although, he struggled in the flesh with sin, as we all do…. he is holier now than I can ever expect to be in this life.