Hello world!

On March 6, 2009, the most horrible message came to me at nearly midnight. My oldest daughter called to tell her dad and I that our son shot himself during an argument with his wife. “Is he okay?” I remember saying, trembling at what I might hear as she told us that he was dead. I threw the phone down as Mike, who had been listening by speaker, and I met in the middle of the bedroom collapsing into each other’s arms onto the floor and screaming to God….”WHY?” We could not make sense of the moment….and still cannot.  Our poor little seven year old granddaughter was there with us, sick with a stomach bug and high fever. She was in the room with us as I had been taking care of her all night. A friend had brought her back from a sleep over because she had gotten sick. Her mother was out of town. I could not pull myself together for her sake. She watched as the news ravaged us and our emotions were taken to every level. There are no adequate words to express the scene…the emotions…the hope that it was all just a nightmare. My heart raced beyond what I thought a human being could possibly endure. I don’t remember much after that. The physical pain equaled the emotional tempest that stirred wildly in my heart. I could only imagine the agony that my son must have felt to take his own life. He was my main concern ….what was he feeling?….why would he even do this?….I just spoke to my son that morning and he was FINE…HAPPY…..I even told him so because he had been so depressed over his marital woes when he had last been to our house to visit….there was a new change in his voice…laughter….plans….BUT NOT THIS!!

We were told that suicide was the manner of death although there are questions that will never be answered because of a bad investigation. I will never again be the same. My heart beats hollow with unmentionable pain. I AM the Walking Dead! I MISS MY SON!!!!!!

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5 thoughts on “Hello world!

  1. Oh my heart breaks for you!! I love my children more than words can express and for now they are simply a figment of my imagination, hopes & dreams!!! Losing a child is unfathomable!! Sending you love, light and prayers!! xo!!

  2. As you know, Dale, I lost my entire family from a wreck caused by someone else…I miss my 2 children and husband terribly– yet I know I have to carry on-I have no other choice really-I know I will see them when God says its my time to cease my work here. Because THEY STILL LIVE (and “joyfully”– my belief in Jesus tells me)– that is all I need to survive here, without their physical presence. Don’t give up–time really does help to decrease the intense pain of loss. You will always remember, miss and of course love Brandon–it just won’t be all encompassing pain surrounding that, in the future, most likely.

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